Impossible.

"You know what's impossible?"

Crap...he's going to say something so profound and deep right now, there is just no way I can handle it.

"Writing about yourself."

Oh really? That's all. A tad anticlimactic my dear, but okay. I can handle that. In fact, I think that is a profoundly interesting thing to say out loud.

I think a lot of the time, I can't sort out who I am, what I think or what I feel until I've written it down, which I don't do nearly often enough (as evidenced by this poor excuse for a blog) so most of the time I'm just a wandering idiot with no idea what to think or how to feel. I need to write more. I need to just get it all out of me. I need you to know who and what I am in the hopes that one day, I'll see it to.

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

Probably one of the most sincere and romantic things I've ever heard. I'm not sure where it came from, I mean...okay wait, that's entirely not true. Forget what I was just about to say.

Here it is, the one that'll make you roll your eyes, maybe even get mad at me...I don't like myself most of the time. Personality-wise: I think I'm tolerable. Looks: guys, I just don't get what you see, which maybe that's the problem. Maybe you don't see anything, you just don't realize it until later on when it's already far too late. I'm not talented, just stubborn. So ya, I really wish I could see myself the way you see me too. That would confirm or deny all of the suspicions I've carried with me my entire life and prove once and for all who is lying to me. Myself or the rest of the world.

For whatever reason, I've been feeling lost lately. I think I am actually finding myself a home, which is driving me nuts. That's not true either. I think I am on the brink of either finding everything and settling into a home or exploding outward and going on some crazy adventure into the world to just be. I think perhaps either option is fine with me. It's this place of uneasy anticipation that I can't stand. I just want to know. What in God's name is going to happen to me? And if I fail, what did I do wrong? What should I do now so I don't fail? It'd better be something there is no way I could ever change about life or myself if I can't do it. I can't deal with the idea of letting myself down. I want this too much.

And now that I've done neither the laundry I needed to do (because of my lack of quarters) or the homework that I have shamelessly avoided for nearly 2 weeks now (which I will evidently continue to avoid), at least I have this nice entry to show off. It's good, though. I need to do this. I feel a little more grounded. Even if no one reads this, ever, now it's out there, somewhere.