My thoughts in your words.

I fell for you and I fell on my face.

My hands, they were strong, but my knees were far too weak to stand in your arms without falling to your feet.

One foot in sea, one on shore. My heart was never pure.

I convinced myself that over don’t mean over and I convinced myself that I could fix it all.

But tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

Mistakes become regrets. I’ve learned to love abuse. Please show me what I’m looking for.

It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet. I need a hero.

They say we can love who we trust. But what is love without lust?

And all I really want from you is to feel me as the feeling inside keeps building. And I will find a way to you if it kills me.

Count the stars, watch the waves absorb the summer sun and think of me.

I wished that I could fly away instead of kneeling in the sand catching teardrops in my hand.

And there goes my life, passing by with every departing flight. And it’s been so hard. So much time so far apart.

You loved me ‘cause I’m fragile when I thought that I was strong.

No more – hold on we can make it. No more holding each other while the world tries to break us.

Even now when we’re over, I can’t help myself from looking for you.

I know it makes no sense but what else can I do? How can I move on when I’m still in love with you?

Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine.

Kiss me once, well maybe twice.\

See how I’ll leave with every piece of you. Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.

You’ve got a hold on me and you’re stronger than you look.

You left me with no love and no love to my name.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground. But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.

Well I didn’t mean to do it but there’s no escaping your love.

And you rip it from my hands and you swear it’s all gone. And you rip out all I have just to say that you’ve won.

I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet. I won’t let you in again.

I go about my business, I’m doing fine. Besides what would I say if I had you on the line?

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me.

I just want to hold you close – feel your heart so close to mine – and just stay here in this moment for the rest of time.

Take my breath away. Make every day worth all of the pain that I have gone through.

And all that I’ve seen means nothing to me without you.

Take my hand in the meantime and let’s walk into the sunshine.

We can be them two birds of a feather that flock together.

Loving a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be.

It was not your fault by mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time didn’t I my dear?

There’s paper promises and alibis. There is certainly uncertainty in all our eyes but as long as you are here I’ll be alright.

Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

Love that will not betray you or enslave you it will set you free.

And I want to wake up wit the rain falling on a tin roof while I’m safe there in your arms.

The dawn it brings another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

The scars of your love remind me of us. They keep me thinking that we almost had it all.

Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

I cannot remember what life was like through photographs. Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past.

Dreams last for so long even after you’re gone. I know you love me ad soon I know you will see you were meant for me.

Where is my happy ending?

By the way, your hair looks stupid.

Life Lesson #9:

Meeting the new boyfriend's entire family and then some 100% by yourself is always going to be awkward. However, doing so directly in front of and within earshot of the ex-boyfriend can only add to said awkwardness exponentially.

Life Lesson #10:

If faced with the situation illustrated by #9 hold your head high, take a deep breath and dive in. Couldn't get any worse right? So, make sure to make a good impression on the family while also letting the ex know that you really just can't be bothered putting anymore time or energy into letting him ruin your existence.

And now, back to dancing...

Impossible.

"You know what's impossible?"

Crap...he's going to say something so profound and deep right now, there is just no way I can handle it.

"Writing about yourself."

Oh really? That's all. A tad anticlimactic my dear, but okay. I can handle that. In fact, I think that is a profoundly interesting thing to say out loud.

I think a lot of the time, I can't sort out who I am, what I think or what I feel until I've written it down, which I don't do nearly often enough (as evidenced by this poor excuse for a blog) so most of the time I'm just a wandering idiot with no idea what to think or how to feel. I need to write more. I need to just get it all out of me. I need you to know who and what I am in the hopes that one day, I'll see it to.

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

Probably one of the most sincere and romantic things I've ever heard. I'm not sure where it came from, I mean...okay wait, that's entirely not true. Forget what I was just about to say.

Here it is, the one that'll make you roll your eyes, maybe even get mad at me...I don't like myself most of the time. Personality-wise: I think I'm tolerable. Looks: guys, I just don't get what you see, which maybe that's the problem. Maybe you don't see anything, you just don't realize it until later on when it's already far too late. I'm not talented, just stubborn. So ya, I really wish I could see myself the way you see me too. That would confirm or deny all of the suspicions I've carried with me my entire life and prove once and for all who is lying to me. Myself or the rest of the world.

For whatever reason, I've been feeling lost lately. I think I am actually finding myself a home, which is driving me nuts. That's not true either. I think I am on the brink of either finding everything and settling into a home or exploding outward and going on some crazy adventure into the world to just be. I think perhaps either option is fine with me. It's this place of uneasy anticipation that I can't stand. I just want to know. What in God's name is going to happen to me? And if I fail, what did I do wrong? What should I do now so I don't fail? It'd better be something there is no way I could ever change about life or myself if I can't do it. I can't deal with the idea of letting myself down. I want this too much.

And now that I've done neither the laundry I needed to do (because of my lack of quarters) or the homework that I have shamelessly avoided for nearly 2 weeks now (which I will evidently continue to avoid), at least I have this nice entry to show off. It's good, though. I need to do this. I feel a little more grounded. Even if no one reads this, ever, now it's out there, somewhere.

The girl who cries

Weird day. Alone in my room, moving slowly, peacefully even, and then bam, I'm riding on the subway and it all rushes back to me. The feeling of the bitter rain, the sheer terror, an unfamiliar voice of fear erupting from my mother, panic, the man who took their shoes and offered to hold my bag, finding them drenched and out of breath, the relief that she didn't make it to the highway...I wonder if this is ever going to stop happening. No telling what triggered this one. Cold, beautiful, calm January day and suddenly I am once again stranded outside of the hospital, helpless, terrified and convinced this will be the end of us.

Photographic memory, sounds cool right? Not with a life like mine. Technicolor images I will relive for the rest of my life with no way of telling when they'll reappear and make it hard to breathe. The emptiness there, just unbelievable how cold a stare really can be. All the lies, not even knowing whose words were true anymore. "Cassandra, why is Mommy laughing?"...as I realize the gravity of the situation and take the keys from my mother's trembling hands... "Something really funny just happened, buddy, now please, just go back in your room for a minute. I'll come up and play, me and Mommy just need a minute." Just wanting him to be okay, in spite of it all. Contemplating running away with him, just to get him as far from the nightmarish life we'd stumbled into as possible. That's no place for a kid. Being yelled at for not being myself and for letting this rip me apart by the only stable shoulder I have to lean on. 9am ballet class, having to run away from the barre in tears, realizing that it's all my fault, and not being able to tell anyone what's wrong, what I've done. They know me, they know I don't cry, so what am I supposed to say?

Almost 2 years. I still have nightmares. I don't trust. I'm still struggling with the questions, dying for the answers. I am still waiting to get that text, the one I panic about anytime I hear from anyone who was involved.

I see the light that's replaced the cold stare, and as good as it is to feel safe, I can't let myself. I have to be ready. Always. Just in case. I grew up a lot 2 years ago, and as probably follows with anyone forced to emotionally age about 20 years in a week, I grew up a realistic cynic.

My faith in life and people is always in question, but I know I'm here for a purpose, and I understand that purpose. Sometimes, I just wish I'd been dealt a better hand, but at least, at the end of the day, I have the comfort that I've made it this far - tattered and torn perhaps, but essentially still in one piece. I know few who could've done that. So go ahead, hit me with your best shot. I dare you.

An inside joke on the outside

So there's this new thing people are doing. It's called, sharing your thoughts and feelings. Absurd right? Well, here I am, joining the trend, under the influence of a good friend. However, I do think he'll be slightly disappointed in me. I unfortunately do not possess the ability to write like a poet 24/7. Instead, I write like the human being that I really am - flesh and bones, all that I have. Here goes nothing...

As best friends often do, Danielle and I have made a habit of laughing at my difficult situations. Of course, as follows with friends, we only do so after I've recovered from whatever it is that's just happened and am distant enough to look back and find the humor, whether it takes me 5 minutes or 13 months. One night, after stupidly hopping a curb in a Wawa parking lot in front of, oh you know, only about 20 people, I called her laughing hysterically and she came up with the idea for a book called "Life lessons learned the hard way," starring all of my bizarre and awkward experiences. Welcome to my spin-off version. Kelsey wanted me to name the book "I'm having a bad life," but unless you're me and Kelsey, that won't make any kind of comical sense and it just sounds morbid.

Lessons learned thusfar:

1. Take note of where you park. If you forget that you parked in front of a curb, once the front tires have made it over that curb, don't hesitate so everyone can stare at you even longer, just own it and go for it damnit.

2. If your boyfriend pees on you after you've taken care of him all night, that's probably a great time to tell him goodbye, but only after you've told everyone you know about what happened.

3. Attempting to live illegally somewhere, no matter how appealing it may seem, is never going to work out. Trust your gut and don't do it.

4. Changing in your car in the middle of Philadelphia. Don't know where the lesson is in that, but ya, it happened.

5. Always have an umbrella on your person. At ALL times.

6. DO NOT talk to strange men on the subway, EVER.

7. In fact, maybe just avoid talking to men in general.

8. Whenever anything happens, good, bad, awful and anywhere in between...go dance. Let it go. Experience that anything with everything you have.

There are certainly more lessons that have already been learned, but I'm gonna need my friends to serve as my memory and fill me in. So, for now this is my life, in writing. Me living, breathing and learning each and every day. I'll get it right...one day...hopefully. But, for now, this is it, and this is me.