The girl who cries

Weird day. Alone in my room, moving slowly, peacefully even, and then bam, I'm riding on the subway and it all rushes back to me. The feeling of the bitter rain, the sheer terror, an unfamiliar voice of fear erupting from my mother, panic, the man who took their shoes and offered to hold my bag, finding them drenched and out of breath, the relief that she didn't make it to the highway...I wonder if this is ever going to stop happening. No telling what triggered this one. Cold, beautiful, calm January day and suddenly I am once again stranded outside of the hospital, helpless, terrified and convinced this will be the end of us.

Photographic memory, sounds cool right? Not with a life like mine. Technicolor images I will relive for the rest of my life with no way of telling when they'll reappear and make it hard to breathe. The emptiness there, just unbelievable how cold a stare really can be. All the lies, not even knowing whose words were true anymore. "Cassandra, why is Mommy laughing?"...as I realize the gravity of the situation and take the keys from my mother's trembling hands... "Something really funny just happened, buddy, now please, just go back in your room for a minute. I'll come up and play, me and Mommy just need a minute." Just wanting him to be okay, in spite of it all. Contemplating running away with him, just to get him as far from the nightmarish life we'd stumbled into as possible. That's no place for a kid. Being yelled at for not being myself and for letting this rip me apart by the only stable shoulder I have to lean on. 9am ballet class, having to run away from the barre in tears, realizing that it's all my fault, and not being able to tell anyone what's wrong, what I've done. They know me, they know I don't cry, so what am I supposed to say?

Almost 2 years. I still have nightmares. I don't trust. I'm still struggling with the questions, dying for the answers. I am still waiting to get that text, the one I panic about anytime I hear from anyone who was involved.

I see the light that's replaced the cold stare, and as good as it is to feel safe, I can't let myself. I have to be ready. Always. Just in case. I grew up a lot 2 years ago, and as probably follows with anyone forced to emotionally age about 20 years in a week, I grew up a realistic cynic.

My faith in life and people is always in question, but I know I'm here for a purpose, and I understand that purpose. Sometimes, I just wish I'd been dealt a better hand, but at least, at the end of the day, I have the comfort that I've made it this far - tattered and torn perhaps, but essentially still in one piece. I know few who could've done that. So go ahead, hit me with your best shot. I dare you.

An inside joke on the outside

So there's this new thing people are doing. It's called, sharing your thoughts and feelings. Absurd right? Well, here I am, joining the trend, under the influence of a good friend. However, I do think he'll be slightly disappointed in me. I unfortunately do not possess the ability to write like a poet 24/7. Instead, I write like the human being that I really am - flesh and bones, all that I have. Here goes nothing...

As best friends often do, Danielle and I have made a habit of laughing at my difficult situations. Of course, as follows with friends, we only do so after I've recovered from whatever it is that's just happened and am distant enough to look back and find the humor, whether it takes me 5 minutes or 13 months. One night, after stupidly hopping a curb in a Wawa parking lot in front of, oh you know, only about 20 people, I called her laughing hysterically and she came up with the idea for a book called "Life lessons learned the hard way," starring all of my bizarre and awkward experiences. Welcome to my spin-off version. Kelsey wanted me to name the book "I'm having a bad life," but unless you're me and Kelsey, that won't make any kind of comical sense and it just sounds morbid.

Lessons learned thusfar:

1. Take note of where you park. If you forget that you parked in front of a curb, once the front tires have made it over that curb, don't hesitate so everyone can stare at you even longer, just own it and go for it damnit.

2. If your boyfriend pees on you after you've taken care of him all night, that's probably a great time to tell him goodbye, but only after you've told everyone you know about what happened.

3. Attempting to live illegally somewhere, no matter how appealing it may seem, is never going to work out. Trust your gut and don't do it.

4. Changing in your car in the middle of Philadelphia. Don't know where the lesson is in that, but ya, it happened.

5. Always have an umbrella on your person. At ALL times.

6. DO NOT talk to strange men on the subway, EVER.

7. In fact, maybe just avoid talking to men in general.

8. Whenever anything happens, good, bad, awful and anywhere in between...go dance. Let it go. Experience that anything with everything you have.

There are certainly more lessons that have already been learned, but I'm gonna need my friends to serve as my memory and fill me in. So, for now this is my life, in writing. Me living, breathing and learning each and every day. I'll get it right...one day...hopefully. But, for now, this is it, and this is me.